1. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather—who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
2. Some good advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin and keep away from children.”
3. So you hate your job? There’s a support group for that. It is called EVERBODY, and they meet at O’Malley’s Bar.
4. Relationships are hard. They are like a full time job, and we should treat them like one. If your boyfriend/girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and the day before they leave they should find you a temp.
5. My mother told me that she learned how to swim when someone took her out to the middle of the lake and threw her out of the boat. I said, “Mom, they weren’t teaching you how to swim.”
6. A study in the
7. Can someone tell me why Sea World has a seafood restaurant? I was halfway through my seafood platter when suddenly I realized, “O my gosh, I could be eating a slow learner.”
8. Do you know how
9. Life just isn’t fair. If it was, Elvis would still be alive and all of the impersonators would be dead.
10. My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 65 and it’s the law.
11. Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same thing.
12. Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress… But I repeat myself.
13. Did know that our bombs are smarter then the average high school student? At least the bombs can find
14. You can say any dumb and stupid thing to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says: “By Gosh, you are right! I never would have thought of that!”
15. Do you know why they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
16. Everybody has to believe in something. I believe I’ll have my Daddy pour me another green Beer.
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