ORDERING PIZZA IN 2010:
With the age of big brother upon us and the government ready to issue National ID Cards, the following is so close to what may be upon us by as early as 2010, that I am not so sure of just how much humor there is in it, especially since the government may be reading this too:
OPERATOR: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your National ID number please?
CUSTOMER: Hi, I’d like to place an order.
OPERATOR: I must have your NIDN first sir.
CUSTOMER: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, O.K., it’s 6102049998-45-54610.
OPERATOR: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at
CUSTOMER: Huh? I’m calling from home. Where the hell did you get all of that information?
OPERATOR: We are wired into the HSS system sir.
CUSTOMER: The HSS, what the hell is that?
OPERATOR: We are wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.
CUSTOMER: (Sighs) Oh well, I’d like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.
OPERATOR: I don’t think that is a good idea sir.
CUSTOMER: Whaddya mean?
OPERATOR: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you have high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won’t allow such an unhealthy choice.
CUSTOMER: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?
OPERATOR: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I’m sure you will like it.
CUSTOMER: What makes you think I’ll like something like that?
OPERATOR: Well, you checked out ‘Gourmet Soybean Recipes’ last week from your local library sir. That’s why I made the suggestion.
CUSTOMER: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.
OPERATOR: That will be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your two dogs can finish the crusts sir. Your total is $49.99.
CUSTOMER: Lemme give you my credit card number.
OPERATOR: I’m sorry sir, but I am afraid that you will have to pay cash. Your credit card balance is over the limit.
CUSTOMER: I’ll run over to the ATM and get some cash before the driver gets here.
OPERATOR: That won’t work either sir. Your checking account is also overdrawn.
CUSTOMER: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I’ll have the cash ready. How long will it take?
OPERATOR: We are running a little behind, sir. It will take about 45 minutes. If you are in a hurry you might want to pick them up while you are getting cash, but then carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.
CUSTOMER: Wait! How do you know I ride a bike?
OPERATOR: It says here that you are in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo’ed. But your Harley’s paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.
CUSTOMER: Well, I’ll be a #%#&$%$@#.
OPERATOR: I’d advise watching your language sir. You already have a July 4, 2005 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at the judge. Oh, I also see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?
CUSTOMER: (Totally Speechless).
OPERATOR: Will there be anything else, sir?
CUSTOMER: Yes, I have a coupon for a free two liter of Coke.
OPERATOR: I’m sorry sir, but our ad’s exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.
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