MS. MUNCHKIN’S TIPS ON ETIQUETTE
FOR RED NECKS
General
1. Never take a beer with you to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. Don’t take a cooler to church with you, that’s considered tacky.
4. It is time to change the sheets if you have to vacuum the bed.
5. Even if you are positive that you have been included in the will, it is still tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Dining Out
1. When decanting wine, be sure to tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the wine.
2. If you are drinking right from the bottle in public, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
Entertaining In Your Home
1. A “centerpiece” for your dining table should NEVER be anything that has been prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Never allow the dog (unless the dog is me) to eat at the table… no matter how good its table manners are.
Personal Hygiene
1. Even though your ears need to be cleaned on a regular basis, this is a job that should be done in private using your OWN truck keys.
2. Even though the proper use of toiletries can forestall the need for bathing for several days, try to remember that if you are living alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a woman’s jewelry and it alters the taste of finger food.
When Dating (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know that you are interested by using such pick-up lines like: “I’ve been waiting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. It is always proper to establish with her parents what time she is to be back home. Some parents will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is your responsibility as the man to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Please refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven that they cannot hear you anyway.
Weddings
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds could get you shot.
3. At least the groom should rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt just don’t cut it.
4. Even though they may feel uncomfortable please say “Yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your shotgun is loaded and a deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the biggest tires always has the right-of-way.
3. Never tow another vehicle using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is NOT polite to ask her to bring you back a beer.
5. Never, Never lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
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