SOME STUFF I LEARNED ALONG THE WAY:
Doctor’s Appointment:
Last week I called my doctor’s office to make an appointment. “I’m sorry,” the receptionist told me, “we can’t fit you in for at least three weeks.”
I told her, “Three weeks! Gosh, I could be dead by then.”
The receptionist replied, “Oh, that’s no problem. If you have a family member call to let us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”
Now that made me feel a lot better.
My Sister Sold a Cheap Parrot:
A woman walked into my sister’s pet shop and spotted a large beautiful parrot that my sister was selling for $50.00. “Why are you selling that parrot so cheap?” she asked my sister.
My sister told the woman, “That parrot used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes its language is pretty vulgar.” The women thought about it, but decided she would buy the parrot any way, seeing how cheap it was. She paid my sister for the parrot and took it home. She hung the cage in her living room and waited for the parrot to say something.
The parrot looked around the room and then at the woman, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was bit shocked at the implication, but then thought it really wasn’t so bad. When her two daughters came home from school, the parrot saw them and said, “New house, new madam and new girls.”
The girls and their mother were somewhat offended by that but then began to laugh over the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
About an hour later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work. The parrot looked at him and said, “Oh, Hi Keith!”
Divorce and Child Custody:
A man and his wife were getting a divorce down at the local court. But the custody of their child was posing a problem, which the two of them were unable to resolve.
The woman jumped up and told the judge that since she brought the child into the world, she should retain custody of him. The man also wanted custody of his son, so the judge asked him tell why he should get custody of the boy.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose to his feet and replied, “Your honor, when a man puts a dollar in a soda vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to the man or to the vending machine?”
What’s the Beer for, Doctor? :
Several years ago, I went for a physical and the doctor wanted to give me my first procto exam. He told me to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with me in a moment. I went into the examination room and sat down and noticed three items on a tray set on a stand next to the exam table.
There was a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a large glass of beer. When the doctor finally came in, I said, “Hey doc, I’m a little confused here. This is my first procto exam, but I know what the K-Y jelly is for, and I know what the rubber glove is for, but can you tell me what the hell the beer is for?”
Suddenly, my doctor became visibly outraged and he stormed over to the door, yanked it open yelled…. “Nurse, I said a BUTT LIGHT!”
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